


Anderson Cooper's Interview with the Joker

by orphan_account



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Dark Humor, Food, Guns, Insanity, Jokes, Psychologists & Psychiatrists
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21878548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The Joker's mind is a mystery. Anderson Cooper wants to get inside the head of serial killer and anarchist. But The Joker will not give up all his secrets.
Kudos: 4





	Anderson Cooper's Interview with the Joker

AC Interview with the Joker

In an old, abandoned warehouse, there is a wooden table about 8 feet long. There are three metal folding chairs sitting around the table. 

Anderson Cooper: When can I speak with the Joker?

Mystery Guy: You wait here and he comes. And when he comes, you'd better call him "Mister Jay."

AC: Great.

(About 33 minutes pass. The Joker arrives in a purple suit, his green hair combed back straight, and a Glock 17C pistol in his right hand.)

The Joker: Ha ha. You actually came, Anderson. You must be crazier than me!

AC: Mister Jay, it's a pleasure to meet you. I just wanted to have a little conversation with you and publish it for my readers. How does that sound?

TJ: You want to play this like you're humoring a poor, sick, mental patient? We could do that, Anderson, but wouldn't that be a waste of our time? I have so many powerful, fantastic ideas, and you could be the one to bring them to the world.

AC: (Eyes widen; pauses for breath) Well. Let's just take it one question at a time and see how it goes.

TJ: Okey-dokey. HAHAHA.

AC: Have you always lived in Gotham City?

TJ: That's dumb. I'm not answering it.

AC: Why? I don't understand.

TJ: It's a dummmmm question and I'm not answering it. Next.

AC: What did you want to do for a living when you were a kid?

TJ: I wanted to be a gym teacher. Can you imagine? Me with a whistle telling boys to run faster?

AC: You just made that up.

TJ: Nuh-uh. I swear it's true. Scout's honor.

AC: Have you ever been in love?

TJ: Nope. Never.

AC: Don't you love Harley Quinn?

TJ: I forgot. You're right. I love her. And I love Catwoman. And Batman. And my mother. And Jesus. And Cap'n Crunch.

AC: You love Cap'n Crunch? Do you mean you like eating the cereal or you love the guy from the logo?

TJ: Cap'n Crunch is a decorated war hero and you'd better not forget it.

AC: I, I, I don't think I can continue this. There's nothing in this interview I can use.

TJ: Maybe that's because you aren't asking what you really want to know.

(Anderson stares at The Joker's revolver)

AC: I don't know what you're talking about.

TJ: Take a sec. Try again.

AC Tell me about a time you were afraid.

TJ: Way back when, I wanted a house. I didn't steal in those days so I was broke. My wife said to go see her brother because his bank gave loans. I didn't think I had much of a shot so I was scared he would say no. If he said no, I'd have to live in a crummy apartment. I walked into his office and saw he was smiling. I said, "Ralph, I just have one question for you."

Then the banker said, "What is it?"

And I said, "Did you take a shower today?"

He looks puzzled and replied, "Of course I did. Why are you asking?"

I said, "Because I'm gonna have to kiss yer ass."

AC: I've heard that joke before. It's at least thirty years old.

TJ: You're sitting in front of a criminal mastermind. What do you really want to know?

AC: When you kill someone, or when you kill several people, does it even register with you?

TJ: Yes.

AC: Really?

TJ: The effort registers with me. I notice the effort it took to kill them. Some people are as hard to kill as sharks. Others are as easy as flies. I notice the difference.

AC: [Rubs his eyes in an expression of pain] But do you feel guilty about it?

TJ: No. Never.

AC: Why do you think that is?

TJ: I'm the Angel of Death.

AC: Can you explain what that means to you?.

TJ: Everyone that I killed was going to die eventually. All I did was pick a time. I don't feel guilty about picking a time.

AC: You've tortured people. You've broken their bones, tied them up, and shot them.

TJ: What's your question, Bucko?

AC: Why? Why do you torture people?

TJ: It feels fantastic. It's a joy. It puts a smile on my face.

AC: This is over. I'm leaving.

TJ: Ehhh. Let the schmuck go. He's a nobody. (He pushes over the three chairs.)


End file.
